^ Listen to this article



When I listened to the Knicks’ players in interviews leading up to their win, I noticed a commonality in how they responded to questions; even with the odds heavily against them, the players never spun this into a negative, fearful story. 

Their amazing comeback from a 29-point deficit in the Finals with the San Antonio Spurs got me thinking about how the experience and consequences of a setback (whether it’s in sports, business, or life) often come from the story we tell ourselves about it, rather than the setback itself.

A few years ago, a couple was referred to me. We had a great first meeting. I sent a thoughtful follow-up, and then I didn't hear from them. Months went by. I started replaying that meeting in my head, rehearsing what I should have said differently, assuming I'd missed something. Three years passed before they responded to me: "We're ready to talk to you."

Throughout that time, there was the pain of their silence, but the bigger wound came from the story I created around that silence. I was certain it meant something about me. It didn't. It meant they weren't ready yet. Most of the stress was from my interpretation of what happened.

The Second Arrow

Buddhism calls this the second arrow. The first arrow is the setback itself. The second arrow is entirely self-created—it’s the negative story we tell ourselves: The game’s over. I must have said something wrong. They didn't like me. I'm not good enough to win this game. Nobody wants to hire me. 

The Buddha taught that discomfort in life is inevitable, but suffering comes from this second arrow. 

The only thing I actually knew about that couple was that they hadn't called me back. That's it. Everything else—the theories about my performance, the replaying of what I should or shouldn’t have said in the meeting—I had fabricated.

The same thing happens with an unanswered email, a friend who goes quiet, or a deal that falls through. The facts are almost always less painful than the story we tell ourselves.

The Knicks' resilience inspires me, both in my business and my meditation practice. Just like them, you are more likely to rebound when you let go of the story and stay present to what’s actually occurring.

Two things I've found useful when a setback hits:

1. Feel the actual sensation in your body (it could be a feeling of tightness or bracing in the belly, or pressure in the forehead) rather than dwelling on the story stacked on top of it.
2. Then recall what got you through your last setback, and the one before that.

Both practices bring you back to what's real, away from your ruminating thoughts.

Remember, a great life is built on our natural ability to rebound, pun intended :-)

*If you're ready to let go of your second arrow and make more room for joy and resilience, join me at Green Gulch Farm Zen Center for The Reset Retreat where we spend two days expanding our presence; enjoying hikes, restorative yoga, a sound bath, stillness, catalytic conversations, and time at the Pacific Ocean.